Specific Relationship
These techniques are applicable if there is a particular relationship that the client wishes to work on, such as a marriage, or a business partnership.
1. Activity Alignment -
Do an Activity Alignment of a current relationship. Do it with the other person there if possible. Take an honest assessment of the current state and then bring the different elements into alignment.
- Basic Intention
- Desired Objectives
- Overall Plan
- Ideal State of Affairs
- Tangible Output
- Quantification
- Detail Projects
- Daily Actions
- Actual State of Affairs
2. Responsible -
Examine the responsibility level. Work towards a full responsibility for the overall relationship and one's own reactions, and not attempting to be responsible for everything about the other person.
"What are you willing to be responsible about for _(other person)__?"
"What are you not willing to be responsible about for _(other person)__?"
3. Competition -
Sort out competition for territory or energy between the partners. What kind of game are they playing. Is there a "substance" there isn't enough of that they have to fight for. If it serves them, reframe it as a game. If it doesn't, reestablish a sense of abundance.
"What are you competing about?"
"What are you fighting for?"
4. Failed to Know -
Upsets between people often comes out of one not knowing what is in the other person's mind, and therefore not acting accordingly. Wording it as "failing to know" downplays any attempt to blame anybody.
"What did ___ fail to know about you?"
"What did you fail to know about ___?"
5. Four Magic Questions -
This handles accumulated upsets too. Keep going over these questions as long as there is still anything to find on them. With somebody who has a had a long relationship, that might be a LOT.
"What has ___ done that wasn't alright?"
"What has ___ failed to say?"
"What have you done that wasn't alright?"
"What have you failed to say?"
6. Original Excitement -
Have them go back to when they first got together. Examine what they saw in each other, what was fun and exciting. Get all the details and particularly the feelings. Transfer some of it to the present. If other person is available, have them both do it at the same time with closed eyes and arrange it so they see each other as they first thing when they open their eyes.
7. Learning -
Reframe the relationship as a learning experience. Find out what specifically they might have to learn from each other. They don't just have differences. One person can do things the other can't do, one can tolerate things the other can't, one can appreciate things the other one can't.
"What do you have to learn from each other?"
8. Agreement -
Find out what the parties actually agree on, what they see the same way, interests they have common, stuff they have the same feelings or same reactions to. This is to make them realize how much common ground they do have to build on.
"What do you agree on?"
9. Communication -
Have the client say the things she would want to say to the person, but for some reason can't or aren't. Have her just tell you, or have her imagine actually saying them, or saying them to the imagined other person in an empty chair.
"What would you like to say to ___?"
"What would you rather not say to ___?"
10. Liking -
Examining what the person like about the other and what she doesn't like. Be careful not to agree to anything, particularly not to go along with any negative labeling. Let the client say as much as she want to about what she likes and doesn't like, but steer it towards increase acceptance and increase interaction, and away from empty natter.
"What do you like about ___?"
"What don't you like about ___?"
11. Needed and Wanted -
Get the parties to actually ask each other what is needed and wanted from the other party. Honestly inquire what the other person actually wants. Not having any argument or discussion about it, but simply find out what it is the other side would like.
12. Talk Honestly -
Have the parties tell each other what they want to say about each other. That can be rather explosive, so be sure it is either closely supervised or instructed very carefully. They must keep it at what they personally feel are how they personally respond. No "You ..." statements allowed, only let each person talk about how they perceive it from their end. Continue it until they learn to respect what the other person says and they begin to have more understanding of each other.
13. Letter of Introduction -
Have the parties write a letter to each other stating what they are interested in and what they are looking for. Kind of like a letter of introduction. Again, make it only about themselves, not blaming the other for anything.
14. Opportunities -
Get the person to find stuff to learn from in the relationship. Find flaws and incompatibilities and reframe them as opportunities to learn. It would be boring if you agreed on everything.
15. Rightness -
Look for fixed ideas, particularly for fixed rightness. Unfix anything you find.
"How are you right in relation to ___?"
"Do you know how this relationship is supposed to be?"
"What principle are you operating by?"
"What piece of logic do you use?"
16. Mirror Polarities -
Examine how the different parties have polarities that mirror each other. One person has what the other one is lacking. Work towards making each person more whole in themselves. Use polarity integration
17. Allowing Change -
Examine the willingness to let the other person change. Sometimes the different parties in a relationship try to keep the other person the same, or keep them in correspondence with their ideas and expectations. If the other person suddenly changes they don't like each other so much any more. That is not very useful, so increase the tolerance of change when you can. Find the underlying qualities they like about each other, but free up any fixedness about the specific behavior and circumstances.
"What would you allow to change about ___?"
18. Soul Pieces -
Look for soul pieces that have been transferred between the parties. It is very common in a relationship that one gives each other a part or steals parts from each other. "He stole my heart", "I gave my life to her", etc. Work on making the person whole without having to give up something. A relationship between whole people is much more healthy. Use soul retrieval and maybe polarity integration.
19. The Entity -
In most relationships there will be some kind of entity created between the parties. There will be something like "The Relationship" that will have a life of its own. Use entity processing techniques to get in touch with it, talk with it, find out what it is about, free it up, and so forth.
21. Future -
Visualize how the person would like it to be in future. Check if that is really congruent, or if it is just an abstract dream. Backtrack it towards the present.
22. Talking about Yourself -
Turn whatever the complaints are about the other person back as something the client is really saying about herself. Find the parts of herself that match it. This is a very common phenomenon, that whatever one doesn't like or doesn't accept about somebody else is really what one does like or accept about oneself. One can't really change it in the other person, but one can change it in oneself, once one finds that part of oneself.
23. Relinguished Responsibility -
Look at the responsibilities one has given up or areas one has withdrawn from by being in a relationship. Like, no longer worrying about money or food "because somebody else is taking care of that". Find corresponding parts that have been lost. Re-establish wholeness.
"What does your relationship allow you not to deal with?"
24. Secrets -
Examine what the parties keep secret from each other. Secrets tend to build and make the parties grow further from each other. If the person defends the need for keeping certain things from each other, that is a bad sign. Find the fixed ideas, find out what the person isn't facing, what she isn't taking responsibility for. There might be past incidents to re-experience, or future incidents. Exaggerate what you find about their relationship, expose the contradictions, bring out the underlying good intentions,
"Is there anything you would never say to ___?"
"Do you have secrets from each other?"
"Why?"
25. Diagram -
Have the person draw a diagram of the relationship. Who takes care of what, who goes where, how is the territory divided up, how are things organized and scheduled, who gives what to whom.
26. Meta-Programs -
Track meta-programs for each person. Moving away/towards, etc. Discuss the differences between them, neutrally, as just different orientations. There is no right or wrong in this, but if one recognizes how the other person is different one can much better get into rapport.
27. Similarities and Differences -
Examine the similarities and difference between the parties.
"What is similar between you and ___?"
"What is different between you and ___?"
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