ABANDONMENT


If I am a baby and I depend upon my mother, this dependency is necessary for my survival.

When I am adult the very young depend upon me for survival.

People grow. They change. But you, the spiritual being, are outside of time. You are always ALL that you are and all that you ever were:

You are the infant, the child, the adolescent, the adult.

As an adult you may choose to relate to other adults. One of these relationships is a partnership to create and care for the young.

Ideally, each adult is self-dependent.

But sometimes adults set up dependencies. If the dependency becomes too FIXED one feels (as a child) that should ëthe parent' leave, they would die.


People change at different rates and in different directions. We are here to grow and to learn and that means change occurs. Gradual change that is accepted by all those involved occurs without being noticed. Sudden, or hidden, or unacceptable changes HURT.

When open communication has been absent for a long time one person may solve the problem of their own changes by leaving.

Sudden change is similar to a sudden death.

The feelings that one gets after one has been left hurt. There is the feeling of being lost and the feeling of being less than.

There could also be anger or blame. [If so go to those sections now]

The child within you feels the results of being left as death. It initially fights it and then grieves.

The adult feels that life has 'holes' left in it.

They have got used to many things that have become part of the ritual of existence such as setting 2 places on the table. Now only one is needed.

They turn to ask an opinion and there is no one there. Someone who they expect to be there has gone.

You may have been dependent on this person.

You as an adult may be suffering from holes that need filling.

[There are many other contributing factors which need to be healed but here we are doing FIRST aid.]

As a dependent child you fear you are going to die!

As an adult you can care for yourself but need to fill the holes that are left.

You may not realize it now but there are millions of other beings to relate to.

One person whom you felt dependent upon has changed position in space and time. [It may even be that they went to another dimension as in death]

They still ARE!

A communication line is broken.


What to do about the feelings.

The hurt can be intense.

Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings are there. [Use the section on unwanted emotions.]

The adult YOU realizes what the situation really is.

The adult in you can, in quiet moments or in meditation, reach to the you that is the child and talk to that child.

Ask the child to tell you what is happening and how it feels.

LISTEN, UNDERSTAND then ACKNOWLEDGE.

When the child has told it all, give comfort and reassurance that the adult that you are is here. That you will always be there for that child. Do this as often as the child needs it.

The adult 'you' feels the emptiness of the holes left in life. It is easy to just believe your pain was caused by the other's leaving but this irresponsibility prolongs the grieving.

It is easier to see that the holes are there to be filled and complete your grieving in order to set about filling the holes.


Steps:

Write down all the things that you will miss through this loss.

Write all the things you loved in the other.

Write all the things you resisted or disliked about the other.

From your viewpoint
Write down all that you feel that you did not do or say and wished you had.

Write all that you did or said that you regret.

From the other persons viewpoint
Write down all that you consider that they feel that you did not do or say

Write all that you feel that they did that they may regret.


It is your own actions and your own thoughts that can cause your hurt.

Forgive yourself if forgiveness is needed (do this as the adult). Forgiveness means to let go of the past.


Look back in time and find all the little signs that might have shown you that the change which appeared so sudden was, in fact, coming.

Find how and when you resisted changes or lack of changes in the other.

Accept all this.

Accept the change.
Whatever the other is doing now it is by their own choice and it is they that can heal themselves. Death is a part of life and so are all changes within life.

Create your new life.
You can find another to depend upon or you can realize that you can create more stable relationships without dependency.

Search for those in need. Empower them, using your wisdom and knowledge, in order that they may help themselves. Give them your tenderness and understanding and support without any need to have anything in return. Isn't that what you would like for yourself?

Whilst you give to others you will feel what it is that you are giving.