Upsets are generally dealt with on an individual basis when they come up. If the client comes in and is upset, you would address that, no matter what other module we are working on. However, sometimes a client might particularly be prone to be upset often, or she has a really major and persistent upset. This module summarizes a bunch of things one can do about that. Pick and choose the ones that are appropriate for the situation.
1. Should have known -
An upset very often occurs when a person acts differently than one would expect, or that she "should" have acted. Basically the upset person had one mental map of what was expected and the other person "should" have known about it, but didn't, or at least disregarded it. Referring to it as what the other person "should have known" avoids assigning any blame for "being mean", but focuses on the difference in subjective realities. Depending on the situation you can use this from any perceptual position.
"What should I have known?"
"What should ___ have known?"
"What should you have known?"
"What should have been known?"
2. Four Magic Questions -
Upsets generally relate to something that was done or something that somebody omitted doing. Recognizing that and specifying exactly what it was that was or wasn't done, and by whom, will tend to free up the upset. It is also useful for the person to see that this took place from different angles at the same time. Something was probably done and something else probably omitted at the same time. Probably both she and the other person had a part in doing something, or omitting to do something. If she doesn't think so, guide her along to realizing that there are several sides to the issue.
1. "What did ___ do that wasn't alright?"
2. "What did ___ fail to do?"
3. "As far as ___ is concerned, what did you do that wasn't alright?"
4. "As far as ___ is concerned, what did you fail to do?"
3. Unburdening -
Any kind of unburdening keys can be used to alleviate upsets.
"Has anything been ..."
4. Broken Expectations -
An upset is mostly a manifestation of something being cut or broken. What exactly that is can have all kinds of manifestations. But essentially there is some kind of connection or agreement that is believed to exist. And then something happens that invalidates that belief somehow. The link to what one thought was there gets cut. One thought one had economic security, but then one gets a letter from the tax department, and everything crumbles. That is broken security. Common to any of these phenomena is that one expects something to be a certain way and then it isn't. Identifying what exactly what expectation that was broken would tend to clear it up. Then it isn't just a general thing one doesn't quite know where comes from, it makes it an identifiable occurrence. This is a sample list of common expectations or ways of expecting that are likely to be broken:
They are in no particular order. You could go through each key on the list in order and ask about each one, or you could use it to give you ideas for what to ask, and ask the most likely ones first. You might have to explain some of them if it isn't clear to the client how that can be "broken". This idea is kind of abstract, but that is the whole point. People get upset because of abstract ideas that aren't satisfied. Once the specifics are discovered, the upsetness tends to evaporate. "Broken" refers to that something "should" have been there, but wasn't. "Violated" can be used too, but that is quite a bit more blaming which can become more messy to clear up. Our target is the person's unrealistic expectations, not the wrongness of somebody else's actions.
"In regards to ___ was any (trust) broken?"
"Did you expect (trust) that wasn't there?"
"Has any (trust) been violated?"
You are looking for a key that the person will respond favorably to. What we want is a marked change when the key is suggested. We are after a "Yes! YES! That is what happened" kind of response, not a "Well.. maybe .. I guess .. if you say so" kind of response. It has to appear RIGHT to the person, bringing back some more vital energy.
Get the specifics on any key that the person responds to. Get exactly how and when and who. Don't go along with any assignment of blame, just get what exactly went on and how our client responded to it. Get if it was an action or an inaction. Get who the perceived agreement was between. Was it explicitly made or was it just assumed. In either case, when and where and how.
"Tell me about it"
"What (trust) was broken?"
"When was that?"
"What exactly went on?"
"What had you expected?"
"When did you make that expectation?"
5. Past Situations -
Look for situations in the past that are similar to the current situation. Track down any ongoing patterns, notice if any patterns were installed in previous situations, and so forth. Is there anything one didn't learn from the previous situations, so the lesson is being repeated. Use re-experiencing techniques to resolve it.
6. Lost Future -
Address a negative projection into the future based on what happened. That is, if the person thinks that "all is lost", or "now it is all of no avail". If there are specific future negative incidents, you can resolve them with re-experiencing. If a part of the person was lost you can use soul retrieval to bring it back.
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